right now Alli is playing with her toys, she woke up when I did, had breakfast and now we're both chilaxin'
you know what really sucks?
when you try to be positive for everyone else, you put on that "happy" face....and everyone just sees that, they dont see whats behind your eyes....or at least they dont take the time to try to see, they just ask you how your doing, you say fine and they say thats great.....ok well it's not....sometimes you just want to scream at them I'M NOT FINE!!!! you want to throw stuff, etc....
but you don't.....you just smile and say everything's fine....even when everything is falling apart....
ok well....I'm being totally honest here....right now I am kinda not fine....and when people ask me how I'm doing, I just want to say I'm not okay....but I dont, when I feel like crap I just try to keep on smiling....I find it funny when people always say "your always so happy" oy....if you only knew....
I am not happy about my weight, I hate not being able to see my feet, I hate not being able to wear smaller clothes, I hate it that nothing ever seems to fit me and look nice....being fat depresses me.....it's not fun being fat and meeting friends online....a lot of people tend to be so mean and hurtful online....I've been called so many names by idiots online....and I know I shouldnt let it bother me....but the words still hurt....I have people tell me that I'm beautiful....and I just dont feel beautiful, I mean sometimes I do....but most of the time I just feel gross....the only person who makes me feel beautiful everytime he says it is my husband....I dont know why but he can do it....haha....
so yeah....I hate being fat....I used to be a size 10....I am totally NOT that small right now....I really wish I could be.....oy....so yeah it depresses me
anyway so yeah....thats my rant right now....
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